Today I woke up in a “blah” mood. I was not in the mood to be positive. I was not in the mood to be strong. It’s ok. I suffer from depression. I can not overcome these feelings every single day.
How can I have an incurable disease? I convince myself how full of life that I am and how the facts of my medical status must be a mistake. Then, I suffer a day of unbearable fatigue where I seem to require a nap every 3 hours. If only I had not had my children so late in life. Maybe then I could be sure that I would be around for their college graduation and marriages. I want nothing more in the world than to raise my babies into adulthood and be present for all of the challenges they will have in their lives. I wonder if I would work as hard to fight this disease just for me. I’d like to think so. Of course, I have that crazy, psycho kind of love for my kids. I don’t have that kind of love for myself.
I went running with my friends this morning and then I made it through 5 hours working at the hospital. After work, I immediately had to take a nap in my car before I could drive home. While at work, I had an episode with my throat closing up on a piece of sandwich and I did not have any water with me (I know better than to eat without water around). During these episodes, you either get the food back up or force it down with a drink. Water usually works for me but it is terribly painful to swallow when your esophagus is narrowing. I seriously believe that it is almost better for the food to come back up but that is never ever socially appropriate : )
I am supposed to run my 6th marathon in Houston with my friends (January 2018). They do not mention it and I do not mention it but there is no way for me to be certain that I will be able to complete another marathon. I am just going to train as if I can and hope that I can. I just do not know how long I will be ok until I am not ok. I have already had a pulmonary function test that shows lung involvement but this has not yet seemed to affect my breathing ability during my runs…..stay tuned!
This post all goes back to one thing. No one should ever assume that they know exactly what someone else is going through or that their life is perfect. I am certain that I was viewed today as a fit runner, a hard working physical therapist, and a great mother. Only I was aware of the unbearable fatigue that I was experiencing, the neuropathic pain I felt in my feet during my morning run, the difficulty I had as I barely got a piece of sandwich down my throat, and the nap I had to take just so I could be the mother my kids deserve.